392

392.

I had a revelation at the last session of The Truth Project. Things were bugging me and annoying me and just plain bothering my conscience. What am I doing with my life? Am I raising my kids in such a way so that they can recognize and pursue and be excited about God's purpose for their lives? Am I sharing the Good News with the people God is putting in my life? Am I missing out on my children's childhoods because of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, yet successful career? And what about my husband? The house is cluttered and disorganized and we all feel the stress a disorderly house emits. And back to the career I've built for the last 16 years...what kind of a witness am I when I'm on the edge 80% of the time? (Answer key at the end of this post...)

Anyway, at the last session of the Truth Project, I had time to reflect as I visited with a friend whom I greatly admire and some awesome teenagers. Two days later it was definitely a Monday of all Mondays. All meetings. All problems. All stress. No R-O-L-A-I-D-S for me -- no relief. But lest this sound like a poor-me tale; that's the way Monday was for many of my closest team members. We were all in it together -- like how a ship sinks in shark infested waters and you are all 'in it' together with no ability whatsoever to help yourself or others. Except, I should be able to help others even when the only thing I can physically cling to is a piece of driftwood. Because I have Christ; that's something. That's everything. And yet I so regularly fail to provide the helpline. If I'm going to make such a huge time commitment away from my family, I should at least see it for what it is - an opportunity to show God's love to my coworkers. What a missed opportunity if I'm completely miserable most of the time.

Successful, miserable job. In a nutshell, a lot of us have the workload of 3 people. But who cares? I realize I'm lucky to have a job - except that maybe having this job isn't what God wants for me. There's a reason I've been experiencing so much misery for the last 3 years. Yes, one reason is accepting a promotion a mother of three and wife should never have accepted. Yes, one reason is the overwhelming demands a 'fanatical' organization places on it's management team. Is one reason also that God doesn't want this to work...that he wants me to go home?

Sometimes I think I know God well enough to read His mind. Funny. This isn't one of those times but on Monday after a very frustrating meeting I asked myself, How many days until March 1, 2011? Answer: 392.

What you should also know is that my husband and I have been semi-casually/semi-seriously working the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover Baby Steps. Early versions of the 2010-2011 budget forecasts (I'm the nerd) included funding all remaining home repair projects - roof, decks, dishwasher and new furniture. Looking back at those forecasts now, I think there were some flaws. The "Dream Home" Step definitely isn't 2.5. Using the former forecasts, I 'had' to work through 2011 to fund all of this stuff. Another hill has been climbed - we don't have to, and probably shouldn't, do the Dream Home step right now.

Oh, yeah, did I tell you I've been applying for jobs for five months. I realize there are a lot of people looking for work out there and I don't expect to have employers falling at my feet. But really? One interview in 5 months out of more than 50 applications...something's fishy. Maybe there's a reason I'm getting no where fast with this job search.

So, I can't leave my job and my job isn't getting any more manageable. So now what? 392

392 means there's a way out. I'm not talking about running away from my 'troubles'. But maybe my reliance on this job is the trouble. 392 is a light at the end of the tunnel - work until 3/1/11 so we finish whatever is 'critical' in the forecast. And God has all the power and right to change 392 into 23, 87 or 443. But until I hear differently, I'm sticking with 392. Oh, it's 391 today.


Answer key: 1. A bit of this, a little of that. 2. Not Sure. 3. Sometimes 4. Probably 5. huh? 6. A terrible one

It's A Personal Problem

I think God is calling me to a radical life where I forsake the things the world has to offer anytime those things are shown to not build His Kingdom. I only want to possess that which I know can be used in service to Him. Of course, I want the same for my family so that my husband and children would want to serve Him with the same fervor, never (or rarely) taking from the world just for themselves.

I want to find joy in God by loving others so that souls will be won for the Kingdom and have the opportunity to witness God snatching His chosen children out of the hand of the enemy. I do know I am easily misunderstood in my pursuit of this radical life. I simply don't go about it all in the right way. My sincere goal is to be all about Him, not to be offensive. I think I still have a lot to learn about loving others -- in the way they ought to be loved, in the way they understand love. To love them enought not to push my life's ambition (all about Him) on them before God has prepared them to receive it.

That's why it's hard to be around me sometimes...because my never-satisfied-with-myself mindset gets outside of myself and applied to those around me. My desire for others to understand the 'all about Him' vision and lifestyle might even make my family and friends feel like I disapprove of them. Sadly, Im so 'good' at this, in fact, that I don't even have to try to pressure people - it's automatic. When I'm all excited about being 'all about Him' I might even look like I'm all about ME. Alas, I'm at God's mercy to save myself and everyone else from my own poor implementation of the life I feel He's calling me to lead.